Jessica Simpson and Uncle Ben are in Cahoots

So, I have a friend who was once dating this young lady. And by "young lady," I mean "huge skank." She cheated on him incessantly, spent all his money, and once made me spaghetti that gave me the worst heartburn ever. We all tried to talk some sense into the bastard, by explaining that he deserved better, she was a huge skank, etc. He told us that although he knew she was no good for him, he was incapable of leaving her, and he explained why: it all had to do with steamed rice.

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Apparently, according to my friend, his girlfriend used some Haitian voodoo curse to make sure he could never think straight, and as a result stay with her forever, regardless of how triflin' she was. It's pretty simple in its brilliance really. Ladies, here's what you do if you want to keep your man! See if you can find this shit in Cosmo!

[As an aside, I love seeing the Cosmo covers at the supermarket, with headlines like "40 Sex Tips That Will Drive Your Man Wild!" Ladies, I'll give you one tip: blowjobs. That's it. That's the list.]

So, anyway, here's what you do.

Step 1: Steam some rice
Step 2: Take off your drawers, squat over the rice.
Step 3: Wait a while, as the steam will rise, causing your vaginal juices to drip into the rice.
Step 4: Mix, heat, and serve.

I know a lot of you are skeptical, but just trust me on this one. My friend heard about this from a dude who works on the docks in Fall River, and if you can't believe a Fall River dockworker, who can you trust?

So there you have it. A little bit of Daisy Duke jambalaya was all it took for Smilin' Tony to go off the deep end, thereby ruining thousands of fantasy seasons in the process (yes, including mine, skank).