TWIOuuuurrrB: Wanted: GM Who Isn't a Dumbass

Boy, if you thought the guys named in the Mitchell Report are feeling like shit, how about these three dudes:
Doug Melvin, Ed Wade, and Jim Bowden.

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In the week leading up to the release of Senator Mitchell tabroid report, these three cluefucks threw around a combined 15 million clams and 5 prospects to secure the right to have Eric Gagne, Miguel Tejada and Paul Lo Duca’s shadows play for their ballclubs next year.

It hasn’t been a great year for Paul Lo Duca. His Playmate wife left him because he tooled around after hours clubs to pick up 18 year olds, the Mets thought Johnny Estrada and Brian Schneider were better options that him, he gets absolutely raped in the Mitchell Report, and now he has to play for the Nationals.

Gagne had his once brilliant career derailed by utterly mysterious, unlucky, completely unpredictable injuries. His feel-good story is like what a Norman Rockwell painting would be if it was put into words then printed in a chemistry book. Four-A pitcher doesn’t have the “focus” or “mindset” to make it as a fifth starter so he “trains hard” in the offseason and discovers that if he just uses his “max effort” and goes balls out for just an inning as a closer, he can suddenly throw the ball ninety-fucking-eight.

He passed Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner and the guy who owns Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern (ummm, Gary) on the Boston Fuck You List with only 2 months worth of performances that were equal parts Mitch Williams, Rick Ankiel and the Jewish kid who had to pitch when Amanda got sick.

And after all that, the Brewers throw him $10 million. Hey Eric, dudes that throw 100mph, save 84 games in a row and strike out 15 guys per nine can pull off the disgusting cap, hobo facial hair and Kareem goggles. Now you just look like a fucking slob.

Miguel Tejada was a mega free agent signing for Baltimore. Guy was an MVP, on the cover of a video game, all smiles, highlight plays, etc. All he did when he signed in 04 was play every game in 3 straight seasons for a shitty team, mash 84 homers, drive in 348 runs, and pretty much earn his fat paycheck. Tejada’s number slipped in 07 though, and he landed on the DL, missing 29 games and posting his worst season since last decade.

What better time to give up 5 young players for a guy? How about right before he’s outed as a juice monster? Philly fans will tell you that this is pretty much right in line with what one would expect out of Ed Wade.


Omar Minaya of the Mets is having a pretty good little run too. A couple of seasons ago he traded for Guillermo Mota who’d mysteriously lost his magical stuff, found it again, then got slapped with a 50 gamer for flunking a PED test. So what did Omar do? Signed him to a guaranteed contract. Then, mysteriously, Mota sucked again.

Finally, Omar looked like he was wising up a couple of weeks ago when he dealt Mota to Milwaukee (nice bullpen Brewers, too bad it’s not 2003 and you’re not the Dodgers) for Johnny Estrada. Well this week, the Mets didn’t even tender Estrada a contract, clearly happy to have Brian Schneider’s .336 average at catcher. Oh wait, that’s his slugging percentage you say? (Juan Pierre’s was .353 if you need a point of reference). That’s some shrewd shit, Omar.


Does anyone remember the last time Brian Sabean did something that wasn’t completely fucking stupid? What does $186 million get you in San Francisco? I mean besides a billion tons of Rice-a-Roni. It gets you the pleasure of watching Aaron Rowand play centerfield every day and watching Barry Zito toe the rubber every fifth day and put up Doug Davis numbers. The Giants are a wreck, post Barry Bonds, yet the clown in charge just gets a new pair of big red shoes and another box of checks to write, despite the fact that Dave Roberts will be the left fielder next season.

See you next week.