These Are Ouurrrr Stolen Letters to Santa

Merry Christmas mofos. At great personal risk, I dug through Santa's dumpster (who knew you could train reindeer to shit in a box with sand like a cat?) and fished out a few letters from some people you may have heard of.

Enjoy!
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Florida State Football: Making a Mockery of the Term "Student-Athlete" Since 1976

So this is what it's come to: cheating on an internet exam.

As many as 20 Florida State football players will be suspended from playing against Kentucky in the Dec. 31 Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, as well as the first three games of the 2008 season, for their roles in an alleged cheating scandal involving an Internet-based course, a source with knowledge of the situation said Tuesday morning.

Haven't these guys ever heard of Wikipedia?

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Two academic assistance employees have already resigned for providing answers to football players taking an internet-based exam. Amazing.

I'm not going to get on my high horse and say that these students are betraying their school, since, let's face it, FSU isn't bringing these kids in to be students any more than the kids are going there for academics. But jeez, be a little more subtle in your cheating, fellas!
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Jessica Simpson and Uncle Ben are in Cahoots

So, I have a friend who was once dating this young lady. And by "young lady," I mean "huge skank." She cheated on him incessantly, spent all his money, and once made me spaghetti that gave me the worst heartburn ever. We all tried to talk some sense into the bastard, by explaining that he deserved better, she was a huge skank, etc. He told us that although he knew she was no good for him, he was incapable of leaving her, and he explained why: it all had to do with steamed rice.

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Apparently, according to my friend, his girlfriend used some Haitian voodoo curse to make sure he could never think straight, and as a result stay with her forever, regardless of how triflin' she was. It's pretty simple in its brilliance really. Ladies, here's what you do if you want to keep your man! See if you can find this shit in Cosmo!

[As an aside, I love seeing the Cosmo covers at the supermarket, with headlines like "40 Sex Tips That Will Drive Your Man Wild!" Ladies, I'll give you one tip: blowjobs. That's it. That's the list.]

So, anyway, here's what you do.

Step 1: Steam some rice
Step 2: Take off your drawers, squat over the rice.
Step 3: Wait a while, as the steam will rise, causing your vaginal juices to drip into the rice.
Step 4: Mix, heat, and serve.

I know a lot of you are skeptical, but just trust me on this one. My friend heard about this from a dude who works on the docks in Fall River, and if you can't believe a Fall River dockworker, who can you trust?

So there you have it. A little bit of Daisy Duke jambalaya was all it took for Smilin' Tony to go off the deep end, thereby ruining thousands of fantasy seasons in the process (yes, including mine, skank).
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TWIOuuuurrrB: Wanted: GM Who Isn't a Dumbass

Boy, if you thought the guys named in the Mitchell Report are feeling like shit, how about these three dudes:
Doug Melvin, Ed Wade, and Jim Bowden.

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In the week leading up to the release of Senator Mitchell tabroid report, these three cluefucks threw around a combined 15 million clams and 5 prospects to secure the right to have Eric Gagne, Miguel Tejada and Paul Lo Duca’s shadows play for their ballclubs next year.

It hasn’t been a great year for Paul Lo Duca. His Playmate wife left him because he tooled around after hours clubs to pick up 18 year olds, the Mets thought Johnny Estrada and Brian Schneider were better options that him, he gets absolutely raped in the Mitchell Report, and now he has to play for the Nationals.

Gagne had his once brilliant career derailed by utterly mysterious, unlucky, completely unpredictable injuries. His feel-good story is like what a Norman Rockwell painting would be if it was put into words then printed in a chemistry book. Four-A pitcher doesn’t have the “focus” or “mindset” to make it as a fifth starter so he “trains hard” in the offseason and discovers that if he just uses his “max effort” and goes balls out for just an inning as a closer, he can suddenly throw the ball ninety-fucking-eight.

He passed Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner and the guy who owns Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern (ummm, Gary) on the Boston Fuck You List with only 2 months worth of performances that were equal parts Mitch Williams, Rick Ankiel and the Jewish kid who had to pitch when Amanda got sick.

And after all that, the Brewers throw him $10 million. Hey Eric, dudes that throw 100mph, save 84 games in a row and strike out 15 guys per nine can pull off the disgusting cap, hobo facial hair and Kareem goggles. Now you just look like a fucking slob.

Miguel Tejada was a mega free agent signing for Baltimore. Guy was an MVP, on the cover of a video game, all smiles, highlight plays, etc. All he did when he signed in 04 was play every game in 3 straight seasons for a shitty team, mash 84 homers, drive in 348 runs, and pretty much earn his fat paycheck. Tejada’s number slipped in 07 though, and he landed on the DL, missing 29 games and posting his worst season since last decade.

What better time to give up 5 young players for a guy? How about right before he’s outed as a juice monster? Philly fans will tell you that this is pretty much right in line with what one would expect out of Ed Wade.


Omar Minaya of the Mets is having a pretty good little run too. A couple of seasons ago he traded for Guillermo Mota who’d mysteriously lost his magical stuff, found it again, then got slapped with a 50 gamer for flunking a PED test. So what did Omar do? Signed him to a guaranteed contract. Then, mysteriously, Mota sucked again.

Finally, Omar looked like he was wising up a couple of weeks ago when he dealt Mota to Milwaukee (nice bullpen Brewers, too bad it’s not 2003 and you’re not the Dodgers) for Johnny Estrada. Well this week, the Mets didn’t even tender Estrada a contract, clearly happy to have Brian Schneider’s .336 average at catcher. Oh wait, that’s his slugging percentage you say? (Juan Pierre’s was .353 if you need a point of reference). That’s some shrewd shit, Omar.


Does anyone remember the last time Brian Sabean did something that wasn’t completely fucking stupid? What does $186 million get you in San Francisco? I mean besides a billion tons of Rice-a-Roni. It gets you the pleasure of watching Aaron Rowand play centerfield every day and watching Barry Zito toe the rubber every fifth day and put up Doug Davis numbers. The Giants are a wreck, post Barry Bonds, yet the clown in charge just gets a new pair of big red shoes and another box of checks to write, despite the fact that Dave Roberts will be the left fielder next season.

See you next week.
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These are Our Sports Links . . .

Rondell White "bought something" (Lion in Oil).

Here are the NFL games you're getting this week (The 506).

That's how you do it! THAT'S how you write a headline! (Hugging Harold Reynolds). ...more

Oh boy, the Mitchell Report!

The Mitchell Report. Whoopdee fucking doo. I read the whole thing, all 400+ pages of it.
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I read the whole thing, all 400+ pages of it.

Here’s what the estimated $25M paid to Mitchell and his law firm gets you:

• A few dozen names to wring your hands over and throw a Fake Moral Outrage fit over.
• Conclusions and recommendations anyone with any common sense could gather from the media reports over the last several years.
• A couple more reasons to think Roger Clemens is a giant douche.
• More than you ever wanted to know about Larry Bigbie.
• A homo-erotic “thank you” note from Paul Lo Duca to his dealer.

That’s it. That’s the list.

I can’t even begin to fathom how many newspaper pages, web columns, radio hours and TV segments are going to be spent lamenting Baseball’s latest fall from grace. These people have been fucked up for over 100 years:

• Fixed World Series
• Institutionalized racism
• Coke problems
• Collusion
• Work Stoppages

And I’m supposed to get all wistful and teary eyed because FP Santangelo let a dude shoot him in the ass with a dope needle?

Shawn Merriman got suspended for a quarter of the NFL season for using steroids last year. Where’s the outrage? Where are the congressional threats? Where’s the former Senator to spend a bunch of money to tell us that 350 lb men that run 4.5 40’s must be doing it on something other than vitamins and prayers?

I honestly feel sorry for anyone who is moved to any sort of feeling other than apathy at this whole baseball steroid nonsense. Schadenfruede’s ok too.

When do pitchers and catchers report?
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Mitchelled

"But it didn't enhance my performance!"


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Christmas Has Come Two Weeks Early!

Sources say Clemens is listed in the Mitchell Report. I seriously pumped my fist at my desk when I read this. ...more

Off-His-Rocker, Texas Ranger

In a stunning development, yet another team is going to throw several million dollars at Milton Bradley. This time, the Rangers are the ones clinging to the notion that a change in scenery is all Boardgame needs to quit being such an asshole so he can focus on playing baseball.

From a purely baseball standpoint, the argument for signing Bradley goes, “Get guys with talent and hope they stay healthy,” which is a reasonable point-of-view depending on who it is you’re talking about. Hoping Milton Bradley stays healthy is like a kid hoping Santa Claus is real and he’s gonna bring him a pony with a built in Wii that shits Snoopy Snow Cones. He’s played more than 101 games in a season only once, 2004 with LA (in which he actually posted his 2nd lowest OPS of his career) and he actually has a lifetime OPS below .800 (.797), though for a centerfielder it’s still solid.

He’s only 29 and when healthy, flashes the talent that screams “upside.” He absolutely raked after being acquired by San Diego last year. But with Bradley, it’s never “if,” just when.

He got ran out of Cleveland because he couldn’t get along with his manager.
He got ran out of LA because he couldn’t get along with his teammates. And he chucked a soda bottle at a fan. And he freaked out, took his jersey off and threw a bucket of baseballs all over the field. And he told the media that Jeff Kent can’t relate to black people. And he called LA Times reporter J.A. Adande an “Uncle Tom” (clearly demonstrating to Kent how to properly relate to black people.) And he had the cops show up for domestic violence.

His stint with Oakland was tame by his standards, though accompanied by the requisite injuries that kept him out almost half the year in 06. He was dealt to San Diego and seemed to be thriving until a classic game when he not only took Padre centerfielder Mike Cameron out with a spike to the hand in an outfield collision, but tore his own ACL, ending his season, while being restrained from showing umpire Mike Winters how to relate to his right fist.

Bradley and his manager claimed Winters baited him and, as it turned out, he probably did, given Winters was suspended the last 5 games of the season and the playoffs. But for a guy like Bradley, it’s just reinforcement for him that everyone’s out to get him. That it’s always someone else’s fault that he can’t control himself. Yet, as in most cases in professional sports, another few million dollars are just a couple of agent’s phone calls away.

When asked about the acquisition of Bradley, Texas reliever Frank Francisco said, “Bottle? Shit bitch, call me when he chucks a chair at a fan.”

When asked about Bradley and Francisco throwing shit into the stands at them, both fans said “We’re just glad Bud Black didn’t hold us back from kicking their asses.”

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The NFL goes to Deadwood

"Petrino to Hogs" - When I saw that, I thought, "holy shit, Arthur Blank had him whacked!" I mean, 3-10 is pretty bad, but that doesn't mean you have kill a guy and let Wu feed him to the pigs. Turns out, Petrino's just leaving the Falcons to go to Arkansas - with three games left to go in the regular season. That seems like kind of a dick move. But I'm sure he had a talk with the players to explain himself - oh, I see, he left a nice little note in their lockers.

Atlanta Falcons players:
Out of my respect for you, I am leaving this very short note to let you know that I quit. This decision was not hard; only a masochist would finish out this shit sandwich of a season . Think about it, we started Chris Redman at QB this week. Chris Redman. Fuck it, I'm out.
Sincerely, Bobby Petrino.

p.s. Good luck against the Bucs this week... bitches.


What a guy.




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These Are Ouuuuuuuurrrrr Sports Links...

D'Angelo Hall says Bobby Petrino has no class. (You Been Blinded) Steve Spurrier is now merely the 3rd or 4th biggest asshole among SEC coaches. Maybe Franchione can come back. Croom seems like a classy guy, maybe Miss. St. can fire him and hire Barry Switzer.

The bed woke up on the wrong side of Kendrick Perkins' foot. (Perk is a Beast) And for the record, yes, Perk is a goddamned beast.

The CBC looks at hockey blogging. (The Ice Block) I post this link for one primary reason. Hockey bloggers refer to CBC's (the CBC's?) Hockey Night in Canada as simply "HNIC" without the slightest hint of irony. Canadians are adorable. ...more

Screw You, Knicks Fans

Seriously, where do you people get off booing me, when you're the reason we're losing in the first place? Other teams have their sixth men working for them. Dallas has Jason Terry, Detroit has Jason Maxiell, and so on. Wait, what's that? You expect our sixth man to be an actual basketball player? Have you seen the moves I've made? Listen, I trade away lottery picks for Malik Rose. I had Allan Houston making $20M even though he couldn't play basketball, and the league made up a rule called the Allan Houston Rule to let me off the hook by waiving him, and I didn't use the Allan Houston Rule to waive Allan Houston.

You know, normally I don't give a fuck about you white people anyway. You're just jealous because I can call women bitches and you can't. But you'd better be damn sure that I need all of you to be my sixth man, because Renaldo Balkman sure as fuck can't do it. Nate Robinson's midget ass sure as fuck can't do it. David Lee probably can, but - lest you forget - I don't give him enough minutes because I have no clue how to run an NBA team. You can't fault me for that.

And now I'm getting booed simply because of the product I've put together. You guys have some nerve, paying hundreds of dollars to see a team you hate, with a roster that's alternately lazy, fat, and insane. Dammit people, don't you understand that you have almost a 1 in 3 chance of seeing us win? You can't get those kind of odds with the fuckin Lotto! You bitches (see? I'll say it whenever I want!) in the courtside seats better get used to me, because I sure as fuck ain't getting fired.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to return to running a storied franchise into the ground. Some people still remember me as one of the best point guards of all-time, and I need to erase that memory forever.

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The New England Patriots: Vindictive as Fuck

So, Anthony Smith guaranteed that the Steelers would be the first team to drop an L on the Patriots. Sentiment was pretty much universal that this was a very, very dumb move for the 2nd year safety out of Syracuse (also known as one of the top 2 college football programs in upstate New York).

Obviously, this served as a little extra motivation for the Patriots. "It's almost like when you go to a pizza shop and you order your pizza and you say 'I want extra sausage,'" said Patriots safety Rodney Harrison. "There's nothing wrong with extra sausage [Your mom also said this before calling me over last night. -Ed.]."

Well, not only did the Patriots win easily, they devised a gameplan seemingly designed for the sole purpose of humiliating a single player. It's brilliantly vindictive on their part, really; they're at the point where fans have to grudgingly give them credit. It's pretty much the equivalent of admitting that at least Mussolini made sure the trains ran on time.

But the pièce de résistance came after the game, when Belichick was asked about Smith's role in the game: "We've played against a lot better safeties than him, I'll tell you. The safety play at that position was pretty inviting."

Well, damn. That's pretty much a verbal bitchslap on par with Nas' "Ether" and Justin Timberlake's "Cry Me a River." (Oh, fuck you, trying to say you don't listen to Justin. Liar.) ...more

It's Official: the Patriots are Margaret Thatcher

With all precincts reporting, 50% of readers agree that the Patriots are Margaret Thatcher.

Maybe I'm just drunk, but the resemblance is uncanny.


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This Week in Ouuuuurrrr Baseball

Busy week in baseball with the winter meetings in Nashville complete and it figured to be what with the shitty free agent market this year.

Big Deal of the Week:

Give yourself a pat on the ass if you saw the Tigers/Marlins blockbuster coming, ‘cause not many people did. This one is reminiscent of the last Marlins salary dump with Miguel Cabrera playing the role of Josh Beckett and Dontrelle Willis as Mike Lowell. If the Tigers get anything from Willis this year, it’s gravy, because dude flat out sucked last year. A 5+ ERA in that park says either his stuff isn’t what it was or he was just a tricky wind up guy that everyone’s seen enough to where it isn’t tricky anymore.

Detroit may have emptied out their farm system, but if you’re gonna, guys like Cabrera, given his age and pedigree, simply aren’t made available anymore. If you wanna come back to me with some sort of eating or weight remark, go ahead and close your browser window and turn on Around the Horn, ‘cause that’s probably a better use of your time. Baseball is a fat fucker’s game. It’s fun to take a look at cats’ rookie cards then look at what they look like now and speculate what kind of designer drugs they’ve been sticking in each other’s asses, but after Woody Page and Bill Plaschke get kicked off, go grab your high school year book, take a look at your Ethiopian ass. Now head over to the bathroom and take a look in the mirror. You can stop to catch your breath if you need to. Baseball players don’t like to exercise. If they did, they’d become marathon runners or football players or something. Baseball players are static and lazy and they spend weeks on the road eating bad food late at night and consuming their fair share of booze. I don’t care if Cabrera comes to the plate with whole, raw porterhouses shoved on his bat like a shishkabab as long as he brings that stick. Dude rakes. And he’ll probably be worth the 2 guys with any future that Detroit gave up.

And I’m not willing to call it stupid on Florida’s part. If you believe the papers, the Dodgers, Angels and Yankees weren’t willing to cough up the guys Florida wanted. If you don’t move Cabrera now, he loses value if you trade him at the deadline as he’s half a year closer to free agency not to mention the risk of him being injured during the season. So they took what they could get. Andrew Miller’s probably no worse than Willis right now and Cameron Maybin is the best in Detroit’s system. Not to mention Florida has a solid history of identifying young talent.

Big Signing of the Week:

Despite typical Scott Boras posturing to the contrary, Andruw Jones took a tuw year deal to look disinterested in centerfield in LA. This muwve could go a fuw different ways for a fuw different reasons:

· Is Jones already declining as severely as his numbers indicate? His line drive % has fallen the last 4 years and his homers are on the decline similarly. If he’s not hurt, why isn’t he hitting the ball as well and as far?
· Does Juan Pierre find his way to the bench, left field or out of town? If Pierre remains in the lineup every day but moves to left field, this signing is just shuffling the deck chairs on Tim Cruws’ speed boat. Not only would Pierre be one of, if not the, worst left fielders in baseball history, every time he comes to the plate, that’s one less time that Andre Ethier or Matt Kemp will, both of whom shit bigger than Juan Pierre.
· Is GM Ned Coletti willing to have this be his move this offseason and go to Spring Training with the club he has now? Bringing in Jones so he can trade off Kemp for pitching could be a mistake of the magnitude of Pedro for Delino. Or Jeff Kent could smash Kemp’s head in with a cinderblock the first day of camp.

Whether it was contract-year-induced pressure, bad luck, or God’s way of saying, “Hey dickhat, nice fucking spiderweb elbow tattuw. When you retire are you gonna try and be an extra in American Me II?” Jones looked like shit last season. Everytime he was at the plate, he was swinging like a fat kid who’s pissed off because his mom is making him play baseball when he’d rather be licking the slab at Cold Stone Creamery and playing Xbox. I thought guys swinging so hard they fall down was some douchey cliché until I saw him do it. Repeatedly.

Personally, I think this is another classic LA contract, paying a guy for what he uwsed to be, but if it somehow solves the Juan Pierre problem, I’d give him as much money as he wants.

Movemaker for the Sake of Being a Movemaker of the Week:

Hey Washington Nationals: If you’re gonna get every player who used to play for a different team, here’s a hint: Pick a different team than the Reds. What better way to open a brand new ball park that looks exactly like the ball park in Cincinnati than to field a roster with Dmitri Young, Austin Kearns, Wily Mo Pena, Aaron Boone and Felipe Lopez. I heard Tom Browning and Hal Morris were in town and they didn’t win any elections.

I can’t believe Peter Angelos was afraid he’d lose market share to this outfit. Fuckers used to play in a soccer stadium.

Giant Douche of the Week:

Ken Rosenthal. British Tabloids, the Weatherman, and the 19 year old sophomore think this dude is never right. I hate this smarmy, shrimpy dickhead. Only a true asshole takes Peter Gammons almost dying as an opportunity to steal his gig and do it a thousand times worse. A clock is right twice a day, but a cock isn’t ever right.
Guy has refrigerator poetry magnets with players and teams on them. That’s how he comes up with his bullshit rumors.

Honestly though, the guy’s a pawn and he’s either ok with that (and a total fucking pussy) or he’s so stupid he doesn’t know he’s being used. Every super secret insider source he has leaks him information specifically to communicate it to the other people in baseball to try to affect the value of people rumored to be traded or signed. His rumors are the story, there isn’t really a story. He just writes what he’s told to write, collects his check and serves absolutely no purpose other than to give dumbasses reasons to wring their hands and talk radio hosts things to talk about during drive time.

Here’s hoping someone tells him to leak something derogatory about Milton Bradley.

Turd Sandwich of the Week:

Tony Larussa. As if you needed another reason to hate Tony Larussa. His GM is desperately trying to get something of value for disgruntled Scott Rolen (who incidentally is disgruntled because Tony Larussa is a Turd Sandwich), so what does Larussa do? Bad mouths Rolen in the papers. Hey Tony, in case you haven’t noticed, your fucking team has no talent outside of Pujols, you might want to let your GM have whatever shred of leverage he has left to get you some better players to manage. If you’re really interested in managing at all. I heard that Tony Larussa only manages the Cardinals because he gets free booze and gets to play grabass with Dave Duncan for 9 months a year. True story. Rosenthal said so.

Worst Motherfuckers of the Whole Week:

Relief Pitchers. David Riske-- $13M (At first I thought this was the dude from Sledgehammer). Scott Linebrink-- $19M. Francisco Cordero--$46M!
I bet John Rocker is extra super duper sorry that’s he’s a racist, hillbilly fucker now, isn’t he? (Though he probably actually likes working at Walmart. The chicks who shop at Walmart are easy. Smelly, generally unsuccessful, ugly and hopeless, but easy.)

‘Til next week…. ...more

These are Our Sports Links . . . (Hanukkah Edition)

Dodger Blues isn't totally in love with the Andruw Jones signing. (Dodger Blues)

PhDribble explains the reasons behind the lack of player development in the NBA. (PhDribble)

Sean Payton: Not a Jew. But possibly Michigan's next coach? (MGoBlog)

KG's next victims? Your local Y, naturally. (FanHouse)

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Why WB and friends should not make fun of Gregg...

... because his uncle Tony will kill you...
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When I was asked to contribute to "This is Our Sports Blog" I gladly accepted and immediately read the initial postings to get an idea of what kind of content would be asked of me... that is when I got frightened... of the first 4 entries, 3 of them were shitting on Gregg Easterbrook. At the time I wasn't bothered by this, because I rarely read his columns and could care less about him. So, in an effort to understand my fellow bloggers problems with him, I read some of his stuff - it was then that I realized that WB & Co. had made a mistake, Gregg Easterbrook isn't the mild mannered opinionated sports guys that you seem to think he is, nay, he is a strung out cold blooded killer with an uncle who, in the words of the movie "Belly" will kill fa notin', murda fa fun...
So Gregg, I apologize on behalf of all of us here at TIOSB, keep on writing stupid columns, we love them... and please don't kill us....
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Dear NFL . . .

When you're crushed to see Rex go down, you know you're watching a shitty game.


All this NFL Network nonsense has to stop. So, the NFL wants to put NFLN on basic cable, Time Warner and other cable providers want to put it on a separate tier, blah blah blah.

I didn't really care about any of this, because I have NFL Network. But my tune has changed after watching the first half of this Bears-Redskins game.
Comcast, please pull NFL Network immediately. This is fucking painful.

I was excited for these Thursday night games. With the writers strike, we're without any new episodes of Ugly Betty The Office or 30 Rock, so here I am thinking that football is the perfect void-filler. I was rewarded last week during the Cowboys-Packers game (and if you missed it, stop your bitching. There are bars wherever you live).

But now I'm subjected to this shit. There's at least inherent comedy in watching Sexy Rexy play the position. Instead, we now have Griese throwing picks like Grossman without the fun of him heaving bombs even Berrian and Hester can't catch up to. (And I don't care if he was a senior; this guy started over the Dreamboat at Michigan. You've got to be shitting me.)

And then Campbell goes out, so we have Todd Collins (also known as the poor man's Damon Huard), who was also efficiently bland at Michigan.

And of course we have the dulcet tones of Bryant Gumbel. Christ. He's confused Ladell Betts for Chris Cooley twice already. But then again he confuses himself for a Caucasian all the time. Nice fucking scarf and reading glasses. Why not have a harpist in the booth with you to complete the effect? Maybe fire Collinsworth and make Garrison Keillor your color analyst while we're at it?

But it's the NFL, and I can't not watch, so the only option is to pull it from my cable.

Oooh, did you hear that Comcast? Goodell just told Eisen and Deion that you don't have the BALLS to pull NFLN off of the Sports Tier. You gonna take that shit?

Oh, snap! What's that, Comcast and Time Warner? Goodell's mom was running the slalom with both of your wangs? Get the fuck out of here! Yeah, I hear that about the clown suit too. She's nasty.
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Great Moments in Sports Photography

Before you decide how to bet on tonight's game, make sure you take a good long look at this:




I'm not saying you have to bet on the team with the most blatantly racist name in the history of the world, just that if you're picking the Bears, you're picking the team whose QB is basically just hoping for a reach-around.


There is no ...more

TMQ Part III: Update! [We Can't Stop, 'Cause We Won't Stop! Bad Boy Remix! Eh-eh!]

So, wb mentioned TMQ's little foray into racial dynamics among African-Americans in his post. I suppose I found this funny since Easterbrook seems like the type that would cross the street if Henry Louis Gates were walking on the same sidewalk as him. But lo and behold, some changes were made. TMQ's previous paragraph:

Ravens cornerback Samari Rolle said after the game that head linesman Phil McKinnely repeatedly called him "boy" in the game's closing minutes, a racial insult when spoken by a white person to an African-American... If McKinnely (who is African-American) did use a racial insult against Rolle...

The new and improved version:

Ravens cornerback Samari Rolle said after the game that head linesman Phil McKinnely repeatedly called him "boy" in the game's closing minutes... If McKinnely (who is African-American) did use an insult against Rolle...

So, did ESPN realize that Easterbrook was going in a direction that they didn't like? Or did Easterbrook himself realize that he was being incendiary for no good reason? I'm guessing the former.
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TMQ Review Part II: Double Teamin' That Ass!

Although wb had said he didn't give a rat about Easterbrook's thoughts on the BCS, there was just enough lunacy, twisted logic, and overall douchebaggery that I couldn't resist opining. As a result, TMQ's getting fingercuffed.

Besides striking me as the kind of guy who thinks strippers really like him when they tell him how handsome he is, Gregg Easterbrook has gone from being a writer who looks at football a bit differently to being a contrarian for the sake of being a contrarian. Look no further than his views on the BCS.

Unless you are the president of a major university, or you peddle tortilla chips for a living, if you care about football, you hate the BCS. The BCS fucking blows. (Yes, this is the kind of hard-hitting analysis you can expect from TIOSB is coming posts.)

And yet, TMQ finds a way to argue that the BCS works in that it was never intended to produce a national champ. Let's start with his contention that the name itself shows this to be true:

The organization is called the Bowl Championship Series, not the Football Championship Series. The winner of the Ohio State-LSU game will be the champion of the BCS, an artificial five-game theatrical event. Names matter, and based on its name, the BCS does not even pretend to be about choosing college football's best team.

He actually makes a good point here, except for the fact that he's 100% wrong. From the Official BCS website:

The Bowl Championship Series (BCS) is a five-game arrangement for post-season college football that is designed to match the two top-rated teams in a national championship game and to create exciting and competitive matchups between eight other highly regarded teams in four other games.

OK, so simple reading comprehension is not his strong suit. That's OK, this is America. But here's where his argument gets really insane. The argument that a playoff couldn't replace the bowl system effectively. Now, I think it's a bullshit argument, but some don't feel that way. But in supporting his argument, he comes up with one of the worst examples anyone could possibly come up with:

No. 15, Clemson, would play No. 2, LSU, at -- where? The first-round games in such a postseason bracket might be letdowns -- especially in terms of crowds, if, say, LSU versus Clemson were played in Tempe, Ariz., to compensate organizers for the loss of the Insight Bowl.

I read this passage, and wrote the words "This man's fucking insane" in my notebook. Where to begin? Really? LSU and Clemson in a first-round playoff game wouldn't sell tickets?

• First off, the "short notice" argument wouldn't work, since the unemployment rate for LSU and Clemson grads fans is roughly 85%, and as such they don't have to worry about getting time off from work.
• You know who's playing in the Insight Bowl this year? No? Of course you don't, because no one fucking cares, except for fans of the teams playing. For the record, it's 7-5 Indiana against 6-6 Oklahoma State, and they're playing for fuck all. So, actually, only one set of fans cares, because IU fans have moved on to basketball already.
• (By the way, what is Insight anyway? Does anyone know what product or service they sell? They spend money on naming rights to their shitty bowl, and I have no clue what they're offering. And I'm not going to give them the satisfaction of Googling them.)
• It's snowing in half the country right now. In Tempe, today's forecast calls for sunny, cloudless skies and a temperature of 72°. If that piece of information and skanktastic ASU coeds aren't enough to get you there, nothing is.

TMQ then brings up the point that the bowl system creates multiple "champions":

Currently there are 32 Division I-A bowls . . . [t]hat means basically half of Division I-A advances to a season-ending hoopla event, with one-quarter of Division I-A seasons ending with a huge-hoopla victory. In the NFL, two-thirds of the teams do not advance to any postseason event and just one team ends its season with a huge victory. Thus the bowl system spreads the razzle-dazzle around to a large number of teams, and allows large numbers to say their seasons yielded a final triumph.

Seriously, fuck the Super Bowl. I want to see the teams that miss out on the last playoff spot to play each other in a "title" game. Get a corporate sponsor on there, find a neutral site, and -BOOM! - excitement! I want to see the Titans and Lions battle it out in the KY Warming Gel Bowl in Shreveport. Fuck yeah!

Finally, in arguing for the BCS, he brings up the fact that Hawaii got in:

Had it not been for the two-from-a-conference limit and the "Boise State rule," Missouri would be in the BCS and Hawaii would be out. Then sports radio would be howling nonstop about the only undefeated Division I team not making the BCS. Plus, having Hawaii in the Sugar will be good for ratings and overall entertainment value.

Ugh. What this also proves is that a team from a smaller conference will never, ever, ever play for the national championship. There were no undefeated teams (except for Hawaii), and the only 1-loss team's signature win came against a team that lost to Appalachian Fucking State.

So to sum it all up, Easterbrook's a douche, and I'm surprised he didn't find a way to blame it on Belichick (or The Jews). But at least we all know what it would be like if Skip Bayless were literate.

...more

Starting Off Easy

I know, I know... pointing out the stupid shit that Gregg Easterbrook writes each week is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it's my first post, so I'm gonna do it anyway; besides, shooting fish in a barrel is kind of fun. Plus, what's the point of slogging through five bazillion words of TMQ if you can't complain about it in neurotic detail later. Anyway, here goes:

1: Who the fuck cares what Gregg Easterbrook thinks about the BCS? I actually don't have much to say about Gregg's insightful analysis of the BCS shit sandwich because I skipped most it; I mean, seriously, why are we starting an NFL column with the most annoying college football topic imaginable. Oh right; so Easterbrook can turn the whole debate on its head by taking a ludicrous position. The BCS was not formed to decide a "final victor." Stunning! Genius! Truly insightful! It was at this point that I decided to skip to the next section (a full third of the way down the very long page).

2: Ok, Gregg, we know you don't like the Patriots. I myself have no strong feelings about this year's greatest team of all time, and I can see how the officiating at the end of Monday night's game might have seemed, well, convenient. Maybe Gregg can address this issue without making any sense at all:

The defensive holding on fourth down with 55 seconds remaining was inarguable; the officials had to flag it. Ravens nickelback Jamaine Winborne theatrically removed his helmet after the call, and the officials could have flagged him for that, but they did not. But after ... the touchdown ... the zebras flagged Ravens linebacker Bart Scott twice for unsportsmanlike conduct -- once when he said something to an official and a second time when he picked up the flag and hurled it into the crowd. This was a stupid, stupid move... Adding the encroachment penalty on the PAT, the Patriots kicked off from the Baltimore 35, drilling an easy touchback... Excessively penalizing Baltimore in the final minute, in a manner that strongly aided New England, was at best a lapse by the officiating crew and at worst strange.

It's just amazing how he can go from listing several, as he describes them, reasonable penalties, to essentially insinuating that the refs intentionally gave the game to the Pats. Argggghh, he's so obnoxious. You know what will make me feel better? That's right, a little swim in the race pool:

Ravens cornerback Samari Rolle said after the game that head linesman Phil McKinnely repeatedly called him "boy" in the game's closing minutes, a racial insult when spoken by a white person to an African-American... If McKinnely (who is African-American) did use a racial insult against Rolle, during the same game-deciding moments when the officials were favoring New England (so far, McKinnely has not commented on this), that would have been highly unprofessional and would call into question whether the officiating crew was neutral.

Wow. Let's just break this down: If a white person call a black person "boy," it's a racist insult. The ref, who is black, called Rolle "boy." Therefore, the ref is an unprofessional racist, and so is the rest of the officiating crew, and they basically fixed the game. I'm speechless.

...more later- we're not even halfway through the article ...more