Hmmm, What a Clever Idea!

So it seems the people at Black Heart Gold Pants have a weekly power poll for Big Ten basketball (aka "The MAC, except self-important!"). And for this week's edition, they did what? Ohhh! They compared each team to a candidate in the Iowa Caucuses! Hmmm, how clever and original!

I'll add one more analogy:

Big Ten Basketball = Hillary Clinton: Both are generally perceived as among the elite, until they actually play. Iowa and New Hampshire = the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament.

I could go on like this for a while, it's just too easy.


UPDATE: No, I don't really think they stole our idea. Let's face it, it wasn't exactly coming up with nuclear fission. And if you're a fan of Big Ten hoops (and thereby a sadist), BHGP isn't a bad destination.
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Just in Case You Needed Another Reason to Hate the Yankees . . .

Yankees employees and VIPs will get free valet parking at the new Yankee Stadium. Well, free to them. It will be paid for by taxpayers.

Fanfuckingtastic. God knows the Yankees need some public help; it's not like they're making any money over there (besides what they funnel to the YES Network). Dicks. ...more

The NFL Playoffs and the Iowa Caucuses: One and the Same

So, it's the most wonderful time of the year. 20 of the NFL's 25 or so shitty teams have been weeded out of the process, and now it's time for the Tournament, as Bill Parcells would say.

It's also time for the kickoff to America's Playoffs, otherwise known as primary season. In the next few weeks, most of the shitty candidates will be weeded out of the process, leading to the Super Bowl, aka Election Day. Granted, more Americans will watch the Super Bowl than actually vote (I'm not making any judgments here; if I had to choose between the two, I'd go with the Super Bowl. Except when the 49ers were in it. God, I fucking hated Montana.) As such, I thought it might be fun to compare some of the candidates with NFL playoff teams, players, and/or coaches.

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Hillary Clinton = New England Patriots

Both are considered frontrunners. Both have lots of supporters, but those who don't support them really, really hate them. Opponents often point to dirty tactics as reason for success ("They videotaped the Jets for a half!" "Vince Foster was murdered!") Both may very well win, and in doing so piss off a lot of Americans in the process. Oh, and Hillary has sex with Brazilian supermodels. (We've gone weeks without a "Brady is tappin' Gisele" reference.)


Mike Huckabee = Indianapolis Colts

Lots of fans in the Heartland. Huckabee is goofy in a reassuring way, much like Peyton. Like Jim Irsay, credits God for lots of stuff, although Huckabee didn't move the governor's mansion out of Little Rock in the middle of the night. Huckabee and Dungy? Not big fans of the gays.

Dennis Kucinich = Tennessee Titans

Both are really, really happy to still be playing. Oh, and I bet Jeff Fisher's wife is pretty hot.

Fred Thompson = Seattle Seahawks

Both were chic picks to go really, really far this summer. Now? Not so much. Neither has had to work very hard (see: NFC West). Seattle has great fans, but I can't imagine them being super excited right now. And tons of people who wanted Fred to run are now wondering what the hell they got all excited for.

Bill Richardson = Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Like Jeff Garcia, Richardson is only kinda Hispanic. And like Richardson, we've only seen the Bucs maybe once or twice this year.

Rudy Giuliani = New York Giants

Like Eli Manning, Rudy is fawned over by the media, but generally reviled by actual New Yorkers. And you get the feeling that like Tom Coughlin, Rudy's a little bit too psycho to be running the show.

Pittsburgh Steelers = Barack Obama

Like Steelers fans, Obama's supporters believe in the power of hope. But like the Steelers, you wonder if Obama can take all these lumps and make it through unscathed. (Cause the Steelers have lots of injuries. OK, I'm grasping at straws here.)


Green Bay Packers = John McCain

Like Brett Favre, McCain is old. Like Favre, McCain was considered washed up and done for this summer. Like Favre, this fall has seen a resurgence, and now McCain is considered a contender again. Also, living in Green Bay is often compared to a POW camp.

Jacksonville Jaguars = Joe Biden

Both are strong on defense. Both are victims of circumstance (strong personalities among the Democrats, being stuck in the same division as the Colts all these years).

Washington Redskins = Ron Paul

Like the Redskins, Ron Paul just won't go away. Both would like to go back to days of yore ("I can't call two TOs in a row?" "Why can't we go back to the gold standard?")

Dallas Cowboys = John Edwards

Match up the smilinest candidate with the smilinest quarterback. Both Romo and Edwards look a bit too happy at times. Like TO, Edwards make stump speeches while doing crunches in his driveway. (Hey, you try matching up every candidate with an NFL team, assholes.)

San Diego Chargers = Mitt Romney

Both look like great candidates to win it all on paper. Power running game, classic good looks, stout defense, private sector success, strong-armed QB, executive experience. But yet look beneath the surface, and you'll see the hollow nature of each. One is changing his positions constantly, and the other has Norv Turner running the show.

Anyway, if you want my picks, it's going to be Hillary vs. McCain, and yes, Pats vs. Packers.

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These Are Ouurrrr Stolen Letters to Santa

Merry Christmas mofos. At great personal risk, I dug through Santa's dumpster (who knew you could train reindeer to shit in a box with sand like a cat?) and fished out a few letters from some people you may have heard of.

Enjoy!
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Florida State Football: Making a Mockery of the Term "Student-Athlete" Since 1976

So this is what it's come to: cheating on an internet exam.

As many as 20 Florida State football players will be suspended from playing against Kentucky in the Dec. 31 Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, as well as the first three games of the 2008 season, for their roles in an alleged cheating scandal involving an Internet-based course, a source with knowledge of the situation said Tuesday morning.

Haven't these guys ever heard of Wikipedia?

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Two academic assistance employees have already resigned for providing answers to football players taking an internet-based exam. Amazing.

I'm not going to get on my high horse and say that these students are betraying their school, since, let's face it, FSU isn't bringing these kids in to be students any more than the kids are going there for academics. But jeez, be a little more subtle in your cheating, fellas!
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Jessica Simpson and Uncle Ben are in Cahoots

So, I have a friend who was once dating this young lady. And by "young lady," I mean "huge skank." She cheated on him incessantly, spent all his money, and once made me spaghetti that gave me the worst heartburn ever. We all tried to talk some sense into the bastard, by explaining that he deserved better, she was a huge skank, etc. He told us that although he knew she was no good for him, he was incapable of leaving her, and he explained why: it all had to do with steamed rice.

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Apparently, according to my friend, his girlfriend used some Haitian voodoo curse to make sure he could never think straight, and as a result stay with her forever, regardless of how triflin' she was. It's pretty simple in its brilliance really. Ladies, here's what you do if you want to keep your man! See if you can find this shit in Cosmo!

[As an aside, I love seeing the Cosmo covers at the supermarket, with headlines like "40 Sex Tips That Will Drive Your Man Wild!" Ladies, I'll give you one tip: blowjobs. That's it. That's the list.]

So, anyway, here's what you do.

Step 1: Steam some rice
Step 2: Take off your drawers, squat over the rice.
Step 3: Wait a while, as the steam will rise, causing your vaginal juices to drip into the rice.
Step 4: Mix, heat, and serve.

I know a lot of you are skeptical, but just trust me on this one. My friend heard about this from a dude who works on the docks in Fall River, and if you can't believe a Fall River dockworker, who can you trust?

So there you have it. A little bit of Daisy Duke jambalaya was all it took for Smilin' Tony to go off the deep end, thereby ruining thousands of fantasy seasons in the process (yes, including mine, skank).
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TWIOuuuurrrB: Wanted: GM Who Isn't a Dumbass

Boy, if you thought the guys named in the Mitchell Report are feeling like shit, how about these three dudes:
Doug Melvin, Ed Wade, and Jim Bowden.

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In the week leading up to the release of Senator Mitchell tabroid report, these three cluefucks threw around a combined 15 million clams and 5 prospects to secure the right to have Eric Gagne, Miguel Tejada and Paul Lo Duca’s shadows play for their ballclubs next year.

It hasn’t been a great year for Paul Lo Duca. His Playmate wife left him because he tooled around after hours clubs to pick up 18 year olds, the Mets thought Johnny Estrada and Brian Schneider were better options that him, he gets absolutely raped in the Mitchell Report, and now he has to play for the Nationals.

Gagne had his once brilliant career derailed by utterly mysterious, unlucky, completely unpredictable injuries. His feel-good story is like what a Norman Rockwell painting would be if it was put into words then printed in a chemistry book. Four-A pitcher doesn’t have the “focus” or “mindset” to make it as a fifth starter so he “trains hard” in the offseason and discovers that if he just uses his “max effort” and goes balls out for just an inning as a closer, he can suddenly throw the ball ninety-fucking-eight.

He passed Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner and the guy who owns Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern (ummm, Gary) on the Boston Fuck You List with only 2 months worth of performances that were equal parts Mitch Williams, Rick Ankiel and the Jewish kid who had to pitch when Amanda got sick.

And after all that, the Brewers throw him $10 million. Hey Eric, dudes that throw 100mph, save 84 games in a row and strike out 15 guys per nine can pull off the disgusting cap, hobo facial hair and Kareem goggles. Now you just look like a fucking slob.

Miguel Tejada was a mega free agent signing for Baltimore. Guy was an MVP, on the cover of a video game, all smiles, highlight plays, etc. All he did when he signed in 04 was play every game in 3 straight seasons for a shitty team, mash 84 homers, drive in 348 runs, and pretty much earn his fat paycheck. Tejada’s number slipped in 07 though, and he landed on the DL, missing 29 games and posting his worst season since last decade.

What better time to give up 5 young players for a guy? How about right before he’s outed as a juice monster? Philly fans will tell you that this is pretty much right in line with what one would expect out of Ed Wade.


Omar Minaya of the Mets is having a pretty good little run too. A couple of seasons ago he traded for Guillermo Mota who’d mysteriously lost his magical stuff, found it again, then got slapped with a 50 gamer for flunking a PED test. So what did Omar do? Signed him to a guaranteed contract. Then, mysteriously, Mota sucked again.

Finally, Omar looked like he was wising up a couple of weeks ago when he dealt Mota to Milwaukee (nice bullpen Brewers, too bad it’s not 2003 and you’re not the Dodgers) for Johnny Estrada. Well this week, the Mets didn’t even tender Estrada a contract, clearly happy to have Brian Schneider’s .336 average at catcher. Oh wait, that’s his slugging percentage you say? (Juan Pierre’s was .353 if you need a point of reference). That’s some shrewd shit, Omar.


Does anyone remember the last time Brian Sabean did something that wasn’t completely fucking stupid? What does $186 million get you in San Francisco? I mean besides a billion tons of Rice-a-Roni. It gets you the pleasure of watching Aaron Rowand play centerfield every day and watching Barry Zito toe the rubber every fifth day and put up Doug Davis numbers. The Giants are a wreck, post Barry Bonds, yet the clown in charge just gets a new pair of big red shoes and another box of checks to write, despite the fact that Dave Roberts will be the left fielder next season.

See you next week.
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