The NFL Playoffs and the Iowa Caucuses: One and the Same

So, it's the most wonderful time of the year. 20 of the NFL's 25 or so shitty teams have been weeded out of the process, and now it's time for the Tournament, as Bill Parcells would say.

It's also time for the kickoff to America's Playoffs, otherwise known as primary season. In the next few weeks, most of the shitty candidates will be weeded out of the process, leading to the Super Bowl, aka Election Day. Granted, more Americans will watch the Super Bowl than actually vote (I'm not making any judgments here; if I had to choose between the two, I'd go with the Super Bowl. Except when the 49ers were in it. God, I fucking hated Montana.) As such, I thought it might be fun to compare some of the candidates with NFL playoff teams, players, and/or coaches.

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Hillary Clinton = New England Patriots

Both are considered frontrunners. Both have lots of supporters, but those who don't support them really, really hate them. Opponents often point to dirty tactics as reason for success ("They videotaped the Jets for a half!" "Vince Foster was murdered!") Both may very well win, and in doing so piss off a lot of Americans in the process. Oh, and Hillary has sex with Brazilian supermodels. (We've gone weeks without a "Brady is tappin' Gisele" reference.)


Mike Huckabee = Indianapolis Colts

Lots of fans in the Heartland. Huckabee is goofy in a reassuring way, much like Peyton. Like Jim Irsay, credits God for lots of stuff, although Huckabee didn't move the governor's mansion out of Little Rock in the middle of the night. Huckabee and Dungy? Not big fans of the gays.

Dennis Kucinich = Tennessee Titans

Both are really, really happy to still be playing. Oh, and I bet Jeff Fisher's wife is pretty hot.

Fred Thompson = Seattle Seahawks

Both were chic picks to go really, really far this summer. Now? Not so much. Neither has had to work very hard (see: NFC West). Seattle has great fans, but I can't imagine them being super excited right now. And tons of people who wanted Fred to run are now wondering what the hell they got all excited for.

Bill Richardson = Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Like Jeff Garcia, Richardson is only kinda Hispanic. And like Richardson, we've only seen the Bucs maybe once or twice this year.

Rudy Giuliani = New York Giants

Like Eli Manning, Rudy is fawned over by the media, but generally reviled by actual New Yorkers. And you get the feeling that like Tom Coughlin, Rudy's a little bit too psycho to be running the show.

Pittsburgh Steelers = Barack Obama

Like Steelers fans, Obama's supporters believe in the power of hope. But like the Steelers, you wonder if Obama can take all these lumps and make it through unscathed. (Cause the Steelers have lots of injuries. OK, I'm grasping at straws here.)


Green Bay Packers = John McCain

Like Brett Favre, McCain is old. Like Favre, McCain was considered washed up and done for this summer. Like Favre, this fall has seen a resurgence, and now McCain is considered a contender again. Also, living in Green Bay is often compared to a POW camp.

Jacksonville Jaguars = Joe Biden

Both are strong on defense. Both are victims of circumstance (strong personalities among the Democrats, being stuck in the same division as the Colts all these years).

Washington Redskins = Ron Paul

Like the Redskins, Ron Paul just won't go away. Both would like to go back to days of yore ("I can't call two TOs in a row?" "Why can't we go back to the gold standard?")

Dallas Cowboys = John Edwards

Match up the smilinest candidate with the smilinest quarterback. Both Romo and Edwards look a bit too happy at times. Like TO, Edwards make stump speeches while doing crunches in his driveway. (Hey, you try matching up every candidate with an NFL team, assholes.)

San Diego Chargers = Mitt Romney

Both look like great candidates to win it all on paper. Power running game, classic good looks, stout defense, private sector success, strong-armed QB, executive experience. But yet look beneath the surface, and you'll see the hollow nature of each. One is changing his positions constantly, and the other has Norv Turner running the show.

Anyway, if you want my picks, it's going to be Hillary vs. McCain, and yes, Pats vs. Packers.