These Are Ouurrrr Stolen Letters to Santa

Merry Christmas mofos. At great personal risk, I dug through Santa's dumpster (who knew you could train reindeer to shit in a box with sand like a cat?) and fished out a few letters from some people you may have heard of.

Enjoy!
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Florida State Football: Making a Mockery of the Term "Student-Athlete" Since 1976

So this is what it's come to: cheating on an internet exam.

As many as 20 Florida State football players will be suspended from playing against Kentucky in the Dec. 31 Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, as well as the first three games of the 2008 season, for their roles in an alleged cheating scandal involving an Internet-based course, a source with knowledge of the situation said Tuesday morning.

Haven't these guys ever heard of Wikipedia?

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Two academic assistance employees have already resigned for providing answers to football players taking an internet-based exam. Amazing.

I'm not going to get on my high horse and say that these students are betraying their school, since, let's face it, FSU isn't bringing these kids in to be students any more than the kids are going there for academics. But jeez, be a little more subtle in your cheating, fellas!
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Jessica Simpson and Uncle Ben are in Cahoots

So, I have a friend who was once dating this young lady. And by "young lady," I mean "huge skank." She cheated on him incessantly, spent all his money, and once made me spaghetti that gave me the worst heartburn ever. We all tried to talk some sense into the bastard, by explaining that he deserved better, she was a huge skank, etc. He told us that although he knew she was no good for him, he was incapable of leaving her, and he explained why: it all had to do with steamed rice.

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Apparently, according to my friend, his girlfriend used some Haitian voodoo curse to make sure he could never think straight, and as a result stay with her forever, regardless of how triflin' she was. It's pretty simple in its brilliance really. Ladies, here's what you do if you want to keep your man! See if you can find this shit in Cosmo!

[As an aside, I love seeing the Cosmo covers at the supermarket, with headlines like "40 Sex Tips That Will Drive Your Man Wild!" Ladies, I'll give you one tip: blowjobs. That's it. That's the list.]

So, anyway, here's what you do.

Step 1: Steam some rice
Step 2: Take off your drawers, squat over the rice.
Step 3: Wait a while, as the steam will rise, causing your vaginal juices to drip into the rice.
Step 4: Mix, heat, and serve.

I know a lot of you are skeptical, but just trust me on this one. My friend heard about this from a dude who works on the docks in Fall River, and if you can't believe a Fall River dockworker, who can you trust?

So there you have it. A little bit of Daisy Duke jambalaya was all it took for Smilin' Tony to go off the deep end, thereby ruining thousands of fantasy seasons in the process (yes, including mine, skank).
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TWIOuuuurrrB: Wanted: GM Who Isn't a Dumbass

Boy, if you thought the guys named in the Mitchell Report are feeling like shit, how about these three dudes:
Doug Melvin, Ed Wade, and Jim Bowden.

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In the week leading up to the release of Senator Mitchell tabroid report, these three cluefucks threw around a combined 15 million clams and 5 prospects to secure the right to have Eric Gagne, Miguel Tejada and Paul Lo Duca’s shadows play for their ballclubs next year.

It hasn’t been a great year for Paul Lo Duca. His Playmate wife left him because he tooled around after hours clubs to pick up 18 year olds, the Mets thought Johnny Estrada and Brian Schneider were better options that him, he gets absolutely raped in the Mitchell Report, and now he has to play for the Nationals.

Gagne had his once brilliant career derailed by utterly mysterious, unlucky, completely unpredictable injuries. His feel-good story is like what a Norman Rockwell painting would be if it was put into words then printed in a chemistry book. Four-A pitcher doesn’t have the “focus” or “mindset” to make it as a fifth starter so he “trains hard” in the offseason and discovers that if he just uses his “max effort” and goes balls out for just an inning as a closer, he can suddenly throw the ball ninety-fucking-eight.

He passed Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner and the guy who owns Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern (ummm, Gary) on the Boston Fuck You List with only 2 months worth of performances that were equal parts Mitch Williams, Rick Ankiel and the Jewish kid who had to pitch when Amanda got sick.

And after all that, the Brewers throw him $10 million. Hey Eric, dudes that throw 100mph, save 84 games in a row and strike out 15 guys per nine can pull off the disgusting cap, hobo facial hair and Kareem goggles. Now you just look like a fucking slob.

Miguel Tejada was a mega free agent signing for Baltimore. Guy was an MVP, on the cover of a video game, all smiles, highlight plays, etc. All he did when he signed in 04 was play every game in 3 straight seasons for a shitty team, mash 84 homers, drive in 348 runs, and pretty much earn his fat paycheck. Tejada’s number slipped in 07 though, and he landed on the DL, missing 29 games and posting his worst season since last decade.

What better time to give up 5 young players for a guy? How about right before he’s outed as a juice monster? Philly fans will tell you that this is pretty much right in line with what one would expect out of Ed Wade.


Omar Minaya of the Mets is having a pretty good little run too. A couple of seasons ago he traded for Guillermo Mota who’d mysteriously lost his magical stuff, found it again, then got slapped with a 50 gamer for flunking a PED test. So what did Omar do? Signed him to a guaranteed contract. Then, mysteriously, Mota sucked again.

Finally, Omar looked like he was wising up a couple of weeks ago when he dealt Mota to Milwaukee (nice bullpen Brewers, too bad it’s not 2003 and you’re not the Dodgers) for Johnny Estrada. Well this week, the Mets didn’t even tender Estrada a contract, clearly happy to have Brian Schneider’s .336 average at catcher. Oh wait, that’s his slugging percentage you say? (Juan Pierre’s was .353 if you need a point of reference). That’s some shrewd shit, Omar.


Does anyone remember the last time Brian Sabean did something that wasn’t completely fucking stupid? What does $186 million get you in San Francisco? I mean besides a billion tons of Rice-a-Roni. It gets you the pleasure of watching Aaron Rowand play centerfield every day and watching Barry Zito toe the rubber every fifth day and put up Doug Davis numbers. The Giants are a wreck, post Barry Bonds, yet the clown in charge just gets a new pair of big red shoes and another box of checks to write, despite the fact that Dave Roberts will be the left fielder next season.

See you next week.
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These are Our Sports Links . . .

Rondell White "bought something" (Lion in Oil).

Here are the NFL games you're getting this week (The 506).

That's how you do it! THAT'S how you write a headline! (Hugging Harold Reynolds). ...more

Oh boy, the Mitchell Report!

The Mitchell Report. Whoopdee fucking doo. I read the whole thing, all 400+ pages of it.
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I read the whole thing, all 400+ pages of it.

Here’s what the estimated $25M paid to Mitchell and his law firm gets you:

• A few dozen names to wring your hands over and throw a Fake Moral Outrage fit over.
• Conclusions and recommendations anyone with any common sense could gather from the media reports over the last several years.
• A couple more reasons to think Roger Clemens is a giant douche.
• More than you ever wanted to know about Larry Bigbie.
• A homo-erotic “thank you” note from Paul Lo Duca to his dealer.

That’s it. That’s the list.

I can’t even begin to fathom how many newspaper pages, web columns, radio hours and TV segments are going to be spent lamenting Baseball’s latest fall from grace. These people have been fucked up for over 100 years:

• Fixed World Series
• Institutionalized racism
• Coke problems
• Collusion
• Work Stoppages

And I’m supposed to get all wistful and teary eyed because FP Santangelo let a dude shoot him in the ass with a dope needle?

Shawn Merriman got suspended for a quarter of the NFL season for using steroids last year. Where’s the outrage? Where are the congressional threats? Where’s the former Senator to spend a bunch of money to tell us that 350 lb men that run 4.5 40’s must be doing it on something other than vitamins and prayers?

I honestly feel sorry for anyone who is moved to any sort of feeling other than apathy at this whole baseball steroid nonsense. Schadenfruede’s ok too.

When do pitchers and catchers report?
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Mitchelled

"But it didn't enhance my performance!"


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