You Want Me To Do What?

I thought the Baltimore Ravens had totally screwed the pooch when they hired the wrong Harbaugh earlier this winter. After all, who the hell thinks a special teams coach is ready to be a head coach?

Then Dan Snyder goes and makes Steve Bisciotti look like a fucking genius. Jim John Harbaugh might not sound like the greatest hire this NFL off-season, but at least he applied for the fucking job. He hoped to get a head coaching job this season. Jim Zorn was so floored he ended up in this position, he couldn’t even remember the team colors. At least Zorn admitted the same thing every NFL fan thought when they heard he got the job – he was shocked just like we were.

As someone who grew up hoping nothing but bad things happened to the Skins, I have gotten an extra laugh out of the whole process. But I can feel some sympathy for the same Skin fans I disdain because I’ve watched this shit for far too long at Oriole Park. Baltimore baseball fans could have warned the Skins faithful something shitty like this would happen.

Owners like Dan Snyder and Peter Angelos have no fucking clue. Snyder says the team put together a thorough search, but he hired the first guy he could think of after Steve Spagnuolo figured out he would have more fun getting his ass chewed by Tom Coughlin than he would having Snyder check with Tom Cruise to see whether L. Ron Hubbard’s corpse wanted the Skins to play a 4-3 or 3-4.

What the fuck is Snyder thinking? The Skins started to turn the corner. Jason Campbell proved he didn’t suck. Well, not that bad. Portis is a horse, the receivers are good when they remember to catch that brown thing headed toward them, and Cooley is as reliable as they come. The defense has some bad mothers. Sure, they have salary cap issues, but they have the pieces in place to contend.

So they fire the D coordinator the players like, get rid of Al Saunders’ 700-page playbook and hire a guy who was playing Freecell in his office when the owner called to interview him for the head coaching job. Maybe Zorn is just the guy to get Cooley to stop wearing those gay ass shorts and end his nasty habit of nailing cheerleaders, but I think they should be worried about, you know, winning games.

Well done, Danny Boy. Enjoy that top-10 draft pick in 2009. ...more

These are Oooooooooour Sports Links . . .

Your official State of the Union Drinking Game.
Extra shots if a 7'2" African is setting next to the First Lady.

Chinese government acknowledges six deaths while building Olympic venues.
This would make the unofficial death toll roughly 40,000.

Brian Scalabrine sucks.
"But, but he white and redheaded and goofy looking! Let's cheer every time he touches the ball LOL!!!!!!!1!!!"

An easy way to tell a real Celtics fan to one who's been following them since, oh, July 31, 2007
is by asking their feelings towards Veal. Those of us who have been around for a while remember that he was signed to a five-year deal for $15 MILLION(!) and was expected to be a rotation guy and significant contributor. Stop acting like he's the fucking walk-on at the end of the bench. ...more

Up the Fleet!

Ebbsfleet United continued their winning ways by beating Burton Albion 2-1 at home. This gives the Fleet seven wins and one draw in their last eight games, and inches them closer to a possible spot in the promotion playoffs.

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This was Ebbsfleet's first match since 18,112 fans (including yours truly) voted to take over the Blue Square Premier Conference club. Over 95% of those who voted decided that Ebbsfleet was the right club for the group to take over.

18 year-old wunderkind John Akinde scored for the Fleet in the second half, which proved to be the winner. Neil Barrett scored in the first half to take the lead. Burton scored in the closing minutes, but it was too little too late.

Up next for the Fleet: two cup matches this week. On Tuesday, we face Dartford at home in the 2nd round of the Kent Senior Cup, which decides the best non-league team in Kent County (don't laugh). And next Saturday, it's the FA Trophy (the non-league nationwide competition). The Fleet is at home to face Weymouth in the 3rd round of that competition. ...more

Seriously, the Big Ten is Awesome

Let's see, mid-level team in the Big East (which is down this year)? Check.
Two players suspended, including their leading scorer and sixth man? Check.
Going on the road against the only undefeated Big Ten team in league play? Check.

Honestly, I'm surprised it was that close.

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The Voting is Over: Goose is In!

Despite the mass Orgybama going on around the country, there is another election this week. The Hall of Fame voters have cast their ballots, they’ve been counted and Goose Gossage is going to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
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Jim Rice, Andre Dawson and Bert Blyleven all came within shouting distance and each has their own cabal of vocal supporters and detractors. Tim Raines was the first year guy with the most “Hall worthy” career and he didn’t even get a quarter of the vote. If you want to see the total results they’re here.

The results tell you what they tell you every year: The Baseball Hall of Fame is retarded. Oh let me count the ways.

What exactly is the purpose of the HOF?

Is it a glad-handing, back-slapping, good old boys club for a bunch of guys who won the genetic lottery that gave them the opportunity to run around in the dirt, booze and whore around, play Towel Snappy with each other and get paid more than winning the real lottery? (Current generation only for that last part. The guys who played earlier did it for the love of the Towel Snappy game.)

Is it a monument to the game, so that fans, young and old, can relive the history of the game?

Is it nothing but an amorphous, nebulous concept that gives fans and media members something else to gnash their teeth and waste their keystrokes on?

It’s probably all of that, plus a dozen other things that escape me at the moment, but even considering these few things, it pretty much sucks.

For starters, it’s in butt fuck, upstate New York. You have to ride a caribou pulled by sled dogs, or take an old see-saw, mine cart thinger to even get there. And it’s the only reason to go there. Totally fan friendly.

It’s supposedly a collection of the greatest to ever play the game as voted on by…… fat fuck writers who washed out on their high school JV squad. In other words, guys whose livings depended on the cooperation and access given to them by players during their careers. And there’s no way I could ever see a writer stiffing a perfectly deserving player because said player was a dick to them in the locker room. Just like there’s no way I could see a player having a reason to treat a guy crappy who’s paid to call you out every time you fuck up so his paper can move copies or get clicks.

You could always call for former players to do the voting, because they’d never have an axe to grind either. Though that might be cool, because then the 750 guys who hung a curve 4 inches inside that Craig Biggio leaned into might be able to keep his pussy ass out of the Hall of Fame.

The Hall of Fame has tried to accommodate some of these issues with their managers section, broadcasting wing and general museum featuring notable memorabilia from inductees and non-inductees, but the general fascination seems to be about who gets in to the Uber Hall, who doesn’t, who should, who shouldn’t and why.

I don’t get a ballot (web-based writers only got considered for the Baseball Writers version of the Towel Snappy Club this year. I’m hoping in another ten, they take their membership requirements all the way down to “volunteer, sporadic, profane, crappy blog writers.” Then I can start lobbying for Olmedo Saenz.), so is there even any criteria?

Do you have to be better than the 10th best guy at your position who’s already in? Better than the 5th best or 15th best? How do you define ‘better?’ For that matter, how do define ‘best?’ Should you look at counting stats? Should you look at rate stats? If you look at counting stats, do you consider how a guy did in his peak if he didn’t hang on a few years too long and pad his numbers to get to a nice round four, five or six hundred home runs? What if a guy was a great defender and a light hitter? How great a defender do you have to be to make up for being a shitty hitter? Do you take Ozzie Smith or Bill Mazeroski’s word for it and let them make the call? What if a guy’s numbers (whichever ones you choose to cherry pick) say he’s a Hall of Famer, but he doesn’t “feel” like a Hall of Famer? What if a guy “feels” like a Hall of Famer but his numbers don’t say he is? What if only the cherry picked numbers do? What if you think a guy is a Hall of Famer, but just not a First Ballot Hall of Famer?

What if a guy was a ball scuffer? What if he was so methed up on greenies he’d hold up the game while the umpire wanted to clean home plate so he could remove each piece of dirt individually? What if he like to snort blow or smoke doobs? What if he liked guys to shoot him in the ass with something? What if that last question had nothing to do with steroids or medicine? What if he had towel welts that made it look like he had a baseball in his back pocket? What if some kid came out and said a docter had to carve off half his throat and his bottom jaw because Joe Ballplayer was his hero and he never saw him without a Dykstra-sized cheek full of chew? What if a dude like to bet?

What if you didn’t know any of those things for sure? What if you just had a gut feeling it was true? What if you saw some circumstantial evidence that it was true?

I could probably think of a few more questions, but do you get the point?




So I’m gonna start my own Baseball Hall of Fame. And the writers don’t get a vote. If you want to know why, ask the 2 guys who voted for Rod Beck this year (because he died?). Or the guy who voted for Chuck Finley (because he got his ass kicked by The Piece of Ass Formerly Known as Tawny Kitaen.) Or the two guys who voted for Travis Fryman (seriously you dumb motherfuckers, you voted for Travis Fryman).

Players don’t get a vote either. They’re too busy spending my money luxury cars, spacious mansions, Victoria’s Secret models, and towels of the finest Egyptian cotton with which to snap dudes in the ass to give a fuck about the game, its history, or what it means to guys like me who weren’t good enough to play but have a personality disorder creating a void so big that in lieu of prescription drugs, they choose to spend three-quarters of a year following a sport daily where they hate most of the moves their favorite team makes, yet they continue to follow them because they’re not a sports whore and where the year’s champion, in many cases, isn’t even the best team, just lucky, which is good because they’re favorite team isn’t ever gonna be in the goddamned discussion about who the best team is because they’re too busy paying fucking Juan Pierre ten billion dollars over 75 years.

So who’s gonna vote? I don’t care. Anyone who wants to. Anyone can nominate someone. Everyone can vote. How about specific incidents? I’d love to commission a statue of Steve Lyons depantsing himself in the middle of a game. The only reason the game is still around is because of dumbasses like me who, despite repeated evidence that the people who play and control the game don’t give a fuck what I think about their product, care enough to keep following it. So that’s the only qualification for my voters. If you’re a fan, you’re in.

If you want to vote for Craig Biggio even though he’s a giant pussy? Fine. I’ll just lobby a bunch of people to vote that Jenna Jameson squats on a mound of bronze for his bust. If what Jim Rice did is good enough for you, fine by me. If it isn’t? Fine by me. If you think the San Diego Chicken has done more for the game than Bill James, fuck it, let’s vote and see who wins.

But I’ll create a memorial to the game that preserves the memories and the players that people care about. That puts the burden of judgment not on the people that have made a living, but on those who made that living possible.

And if enough of you actually give a shit, hell, I’ll start a separate blog about it.

Leave suggestions in the comments or email me at daniellarussopaintedmyfence@gmail.com
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The Life of a Blogging Team Owner Isn't All it's Cracked Up to Be

When I'm not busy solving our nation's healthcare problems or continuing Frank Dux's legacy of winning the Kumite year after year, I take some time off to follow the professional soccer team I own in England.

You might ask, am I wealthy? Yes! Wealthy with knowledge! As for money, no, I'm quite broke. But nonetheless, I own a piece of a soccer team (or a football team, if you're British or a douche).


About 20,000 people joined former sports journalist Will Brooks' MyFootballClub, in which fans can buy part of a to-be-determined soccer club for £35, or about $17 Million USD (OK, about seventy bucks). , creating a pool of roughly $1.5M from which MyFC will buy Ebbsfleet United FC once due diligence is complete, hopefully by the end of this month.

Ebbsfleet (or "The Fleet" as they are affectionately known) currently reside in the Blue Square Premier Conference. This is basically the 5th rung of the English soccer system, and the highest "non-league" division. So for the novice, there are roughly 100 teams separating Premier League leaders Arsenal with the Fleet.

Anyway, I got in at the ground floor last summer, and have been following "The Fleet," as they're affectionately known, since November's announcement of the planned takeover. Since this point, they've played 11 games between the Conference and various cup competitions, and have won 7 and drawn 2. Not too shabby. With this past Saturday's win over Weymouth, Ebbsfleet now only sits 3 points out of 5th place (which would earn them a spot in the promotion playoffs). In other words, "league" soccer is not out of the realm of possibility.

The really interesting thing once the process is complete will deal with the decision making process. Decisions such as player acquisitions, ticket prices, and even the starting lineup will be decided by a vote on the website. Games will be available for downloading for scouting purposes, head coach Liam Daish will provide his opinions, and members/owners will vote.

Such an endeavor has been called a breath of fresh air, a much needed change to the corporate forces in soccer, and a disaster waiting to happen. Nonetheless, I'm excited to be a part of the process, and I will provide updates on the Fleet whether you like it or not. ...more

The Big Ten: It goes to eleven!

Since 1982, the number of NCAA basketball champs from the Big 10 is... wait for it... 3!
Wow. By contrast, the ACC has has 8, the Big East has 6 and the SEC has 5. I'd love to say more, but the armadillo in my pants makes it hard type on my laptop.
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Hmmm, What a Clever Idea!

So it seems the people at Black Heart Gold Pants have a weekly power poll for Big Ten basketball (aka "The MAC, except self-important!"). And for this week's edition, they did what? Ohhh! They compared each team to a candidate in the Iowa Caucuses! Hmmm, how clever and original!

I'll add one more analogy:

Big Ten Basketball = Hillary Clinton: Both are generally perceived as among the elite, until they actually play. Iowa and New Hampshire = the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament.

I could go on like this for a while, it's just too easy.


UPDATE: No, I don't really think they stole our idea. Let's face it, it wasn't exactly coming up with nuclear fission. And if you're a fan of Big Ten hoops (and thereby a sadist), BHGP isn't a bad destination.
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Just in Case You Needed Another Reason to Hate the Yankees . . .

Yankees employees and VIPs will get free valet parking at the new Yankee Stadium. Well, free to them. It will be paid for by taxpayers.

Fanfuckingtastic. God knows the Yankees need some public help; it's not like they're making any money over there (besides what they funnel to the YES Network). Dicks. ...more

The NFL Playoffs and the Iowa Caucuses: One and the Same

So, it's the most wonderful time of the year. 20 of the NFL's 25 or so shitty teams have been weeded out of the process, and now it's time for the Tournament, as Bill Parcells would say.

It's also time for the kickoff to America's Playoffs, otherwise known as primary season. In the next few weeks, most of the shitty candidates will be weeded out of the process, leading to the Super Bowl, aka Election Day. Granted, more Americans will watch the Super Bowl than actually vote (I'm not making any judgments here; if I had to choose between the two, I'd go with the Super Bowl. Except when the 49ers were in it. God, I fucking hated Montana.) As such, I thought it might be fun to compare some of the candidates with NFL playoff teams, players, and/or coaches.

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Hillary Clinton = New England Patriots

Both are considered frontrunners. Both have lots of supporters, but those who don't support them really, really hate them. Opponents often point to dirty tactics as reason for success ("They videotaped the Jets for a half!" "Vince Foster was murdered!") Both may very well win, and in doing so piss off a lot of Americans in the process. Oh, and Hillary has sex with Brazilian supermodels. (We've gone weeks without a "Brady is tappin' Gisele" reference.)


Mike Huckabee = Indianapolis Colts

Lots of fans in the Heartland. Huckabee is goofy in a reassuring way, much like Peyton. Like Jim Irsay, credits God for lots of stuff, although Huckabee didn't move the governor's mansion out of Little Rock in the middle of the night. Huckabee and Dungy? Not big fans of the gays.

Dennis Kucinich = Tennessee Titans

Both are really, really happy to still be playing. Oh, and I bet Jeff Fisher's wife is pretty hot.

Fred Thompson = Seattle Seahawks

Both were chic picks to go really, really far this summer. Now? Not so much. Neither has had to work very hard (see: NFC West). Seattle has great fans, but I can't imagine them being super excited right now. And tons of people who wanted Fred to run are now wondering what the hell they got all excited for.

Bill Richardson = Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Like Jeff Garcia, Richardson is only kinda Hispanic. And like Richardson, we've only seen the Bucs maybe once or twice this year.

Rudy Giuliani = New York Giants

Like Eli Manning, Rudy is fawned over by the media, but generally reviled by actual New Yorkers. And you get the feeling that like Tom Coughlin, Rudy's a little bit too psycho to be running the show.

Pittsburgh Steelers = Barack Obama

Like Steelers fans, Obama's supporters believe in the power of hope. But like the Steelers, you wonder if Obama can take all these lumps and make it through unscathed. (Cause the Steelers have lots of injuries. OK, I'm grasping at straws here.)


Green Bay Packers = John McCain

Like Brett Favre, McCain is old. Like Favre, McCain was considered washed up and done for this summer. Like Favre, this fall has seen a resurgence, and now McCain is considered a contender again. Also, living in Green Bay is often compared to a POW camp.

Jacksonville Jaguars = Joe Biden

Both are strong on defense. Both are victims of circumstance (strong personalities among the Democrats, being stuck in the same division as the Colts all these years).

Washington Redskins = Ron Paul

Like the Redskins, Ron Paul just won't go away. Both would like to go back to days of yore ("I can't call two TOs in a row?" "Why can't we go back to the gold standard?")

Dallas Cowboys = John Edwards

Match up the smilinest candidate with the smilinest quarterback. Both Romo and Edwards look a bit too happy at times. Like TO, Edwards make stump speeches while doing crunches in his driveway. (Hey, you try matching up every candidate with an NFL team, assholes.)

San Diego Chargers = Mitt Romney

Both look like great candidates to win it all on paper. Power running game, classic good looks, stout defense, private sector success, strong-armed QB, executive experience. But yet look beneath the surface, and you'll see the hollow nature of each. One is changing his positions constantly, and the other has Norv Turner running the show.

Anyway, if you want my picks, it's going to be Hillary vs. McCain, and yes, Pats vs. Packers.

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