You Want Me To Do What?

I thought the Baltimore Ravens had totally screwed the pooch when they hired the wrong Harbaugh earlier this winter. After all, who the hell thinks a special teams coach is ready to be a head coach?

Then Dan Snyder goes and makes Steve Bisciotti look like a fucking genius. Jim John Harbaugh might not sound like the greatest hire this NFL off-season, but at least he applied for the fucking job. He hoped to get a head coaching job this season. Jim Zorn was so floored he ended up in this position, he couldn’t even remember the team colors. At least Zorn admitted the same thing every NFL fan thought when they heard he got the job – he was shocked just like we were.

As someone who grew up hoping nothing but bad things happened to the Skins, I have gotten an extra laugh out of the whole process. But I can feel some sympathy for the same Skin fans I disdain because I’ve watched this shit for far too long at Oriole Park. Baltimore baseball fans could have warned the Skins faithful something shitty like this would happen.

Owners like Dan Snyder and Peter Angelos have no fucking clue. Snyder says the team put together a thorough search, but he hired the first guy he could think of after Steve Spagnuolo figured out he would have more fun getting his ass chewed by Tom Coughlin than he would having Snyder check with Tom Cruise to see whether L. Ron Hubbard’s corpse wanted the Skins to play a 4-3 or 3-4.

What the fuck is Snyder thinking? The Skins started to turn the corner. Jason Campbell proved he didn’t suck. Well, not that bad. Portis is a horse, the receivers are good when they remember to catch that brown thing headed toward them, and Cooley is as reliable as they come. The defense has some bad mothers. Sure, they have salary cap issues, but they have the pieces in place to contend.

So they fire the D coordinator the players like, get rid of Al Saunders’ 700-page playbook and hire a guy who was playing Freecell in his office when the owner called to interview him for the head coaching job. Maybe Zorn is just the guy to get Cooley to stop wearing those gay ass shorts and end his nasty habit of nailing cheerleaders, but I think they should be worried about, you know, winning games.

Well done, Danny Boy. Enjoy that top-10 draft pick in 2009.